I lost my job last Wednesday and since then it's been an emotional roller coaster for my mind. On one hand, I see it as an opportunity to try my hand at something else, but what weighs the most heavily on my heart is that I have lost the stability that my previous job has given me for over 8 years.

And it was this stability that has afforded me to have a home, to give my wife a good life and to start a family. And lately, more and more my mind wanders at night, and I only seem to always come to one conclusion, that is that, even though I feel that I have been treated unfairly at work, my dismissal was my fault, and that lapse of judgment, I feel, has robbed my wife and my son of opportunity. Opportunities for happiness, opportunities for security, and opportunities for peace of mind. Every time I have held Rowan the past week, I can't help but become over run with feelings of guilt and sorrow, that this wonderful child will have suffered because of me.

Yet I know that I cannot dwell in the past, and think of what if's or what I could have done. What has transpired can't be undone, and I need to trudge forward so that I can provide for my family again. My fear is that I won't be able to do that. Everyone tells me that things will work out, and I have always believed that things do turn out for the best. It's just in this hard time for me, personally, this time it's different.

I feel dispair, sadness and depression when the sun goes down for the day. I feel helplessness and anger at myself for allowing me to jeopardize my family's well being. And every time I see Rowan or Ritchie in their slumber, I cant help but hope that I can make it back up to them somehow.

It's a dark road I seem to be travelling right now, and for now, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. My face hides my fear, and I don't know what to do to alleviate the pain. My logical side hases out a plan, but my emotional side keeps telling me that it won't be enough and that I have failed and that I am worth nothing.

I fear that I have become something that I advocate to my students to never become, that is, I have become unsure of myself and my abilities. I don't trust my judgement as much as I used to, an I have no confidence in my thoughts and plans. And the sad thing is that as eloquent as I think I am, I cannot seem to find solace in sympathy. And telling my story, or even hearing my situation uttered from others really makes me feel embarrassed. I feel a former shell of myself.

I hope this new week brings a turnaround. I don't want to continue to doubt myself. I need to find a way to break these limits. If not to satisfy my doubts, but more importantly, I need to ensure the security and well being of my family. I need to find balance. I need to find confidence. I need to find ME again.

Thanks for your prayers.